Maybe As I write to you, I will hear from you……

I have been asking myself what I truly want and I think I am beginning to finally get around to it. What I want is simple – Love God, Love People! The “How” is what I am still trying to figure out. How do I love you – God in a world that constantly tries to tell me how to love you right? I am either not praying enough, not speaking in tongues enough or not going to church enough.

Everyone tries to put me in a box. If I express myself, I’m sharing too much. If I keep to myself, I’m probably depressed. How do I love your people when I am constantly being judged by them? It doesn’t matter what I do or who I become, someone somewhere has a better idea of what my life should look like. When you spoke in your word that “the real price comes from loving the unlovable”, I had no idea this was what you meant.

This whole love thing is a struggle for me. One day I feel like I have the capacity to love on the whole world, another day I want to back out. I keep wondering when I will ever be enough for someone not to tear me apart. It’s never going to happen, is it?

Love is a cross! A cross that only a chosen few are able to carry. Why you chose me, I’ll never understand. On days like this, I wish you could take your cross and hand it over to someone else who seems more deserving. But I can’t help but ask, “Who is more deserving”? I guess no one will ever feel like they are enough to carry this cross because the world will always attack that which is good. To carry your light is to stand against millions of people who would rather live in darkness.

Would it be so hard for everyone to love like you have commanded? Would it be so difficult for your people to let the ones you created differently thrive in their uniqueness? Would it be so hard for everyone to stop telling me how to live?

Being different is a blessing and a curse. I have experienced more of the curse, maybe too much. Nobody warns you about the solitude and isolation that comes with trying to live an authentic life. It’s funny how the world will rather see me fake it! It’s as if my true self haunts them in the way that makes them hate themselves for being so fake. So instead of dealing with themselves, they project their insecurities on me.

They say you never give us more than we can bear. Is it true? Do you really believe that I am able to go through this season of my life without giving up? I mean, it’s so easy to be like everyone else. Hello oh, I feel like I am losing this battle. I have tried several times to take the back seat with this “authenticity” and “Love” thing but my mind and soul never lets me. So you see, being different can really be a curse.

All I really want is to leave a legacy for my fellow human beings to love people, live free and express their highest self. However, I am fast learning that those who leave prints in the sands of time get bruised in the process. “Nothing good comes easy” they say. You would think that would not include “being yourself and loving people”.

To my fellow Christians, nothing you do will matter if you do not learn to love God and his people at the same time. So you can stop with the religious routines, judgements and self-appraisals. Because to truly live to please God is to do the hardest thing – Loving the unlovable!

To the people who will still judge me or roll their eyes while reading this piece, well, “Peace be unto you”. I have made peace with my cross, have you or are you still chasing the wind? I truly hope that one day you too can aspire to run with the wolves.

And finally, to my fellow lone wolves, I do hope that every now and then you find the strength to keep running this race. Please encourage one another, celebrate one another and don’t forget to love the unlovable while you’re at it.

At the end of the day, Love will always win!

Until next time on the small town girl blog,

Peace and Love.